Tuesday, August 23, 2016

I Am Here

I've been having one of those times when everything leads to one thing, one moment that I'm now realizing has more significance in my life than I could have ever imagined.  It actually all started with something that happened at my CTMH convention a few months ago which lead to a mentor and to finding a deeper why in my business.  In a nutshell, my mentor told me that if my why doesn't make me cry then I haven't gone deep enough yet.  When I was talking to my husband about this, at one point I said, "I just want to say, I'm here."  That's when it started, that simple phrase, "I'm here," brought tears to my eyes and has started a journey I know I'm just in the beginning of.

When I was younger, I used to hide behind the couch and wait to hear something like, "where's Renae."  Unfortunately, that never happened and eventually I would give up and climb out firmly believing that I was not seen or missed.

As several other experiences the last few weeks all lead up to this same childhood experience and resulting beliefs, I realized I needed to do something to work through them.  I went and saw my therapist for the first time in a long time.  We talked about all of the loneliness and feelings of not being seen as well as how I felt I was not in control of my life right then.  At the end she said something that turned everything around for me, she said something like, "you saw yourself enough to make yourself be seen by others."  I had such an amazing feeling when she said that, I am seeing myself, I am in control of my own life, I am here!  I know there is still more to work though on this new journey of mine, but shat an amazing start!

Monday, August 8, 2016

Looking for the "Be Happy" Every Day

I have been having a paradigm shift happening lately and I've been changing a lot of different things.  I have also been trying to find little ways to connect with friends.  As I have been finding these different ways to connect, it has been making me sad because I know I would have found a fun way to connect with Stacey who died in October.  As I have been pondering this and wondering what I could do about it, someone mentioned to me that whenever she sees a ladybug, she knows it is a connection with someone close to her who has passed on.  She said I should be looking for something that reminds me of Stacey in my every day life as a symbol that she is still connecting with me.   At first I thought maybe the sun or sunshine as at her funeral it was mentioned that "that was her color."  But then on Sunday during Sacrament meeting I was thinking about it and I thought about how I got a stamp at my CTMH convention that says "Be happy" and that reminded me of how she would always say that to me.  Then a friend gave me a mug that says "be happy" because she knew that's what Stacey would tell me.  I felt really good about looking for the "be happy" every day and knowing that was my connection with her.  Then right after Sacrament meeting, a friend was showing me a picture and in the picture the words "be happy" were written, I couldn't believe how quickly my desire to feel connected to Stacey was answered!  With that connection in place, I will now be looking for that and I hope she feels connected with me as well when I notice the be happy's in my every day!