I was laying in bed a few days ago thinking about the last several months and feeling really unsatisfied with how things were going. I have really felt like my life was out of sorts and that I dropped the ball in so many areas. So I started a list, yup that's me, I just love lists! I titled it, "Things to Change." I also made a list of things that I felt like I was behind in and, truthfully, it wasn't as long as I thought it would be. At first I was thinking I would start getting things pulled together beginning the first of the new year, but then I thought, "why wait?" so I started this week.
As I looked at things and dates I could obviously see where the failure happened, when my friend Stacey died, and then everything made sense. Her loss has been very hard on me, I can't even imagine how her family is moving forward. Anyway, understanding what happened has helped me feel less like a failure and to be more understanding of myself and why I let the ball drop on so many things. When I told my husband this he asked me if I have gone through all the grieving process. I told him I wasn't sure as there are moments where I still feel sad and some where I feel mad, but I guess that I am far enough that I can put my life back in order.
The first thing that I did was get Taylor's mission blog all caught up. It's interesting because I can see where her life got really tough too. She really was having a hard time and pulled back during that time as well, we got less emails and letters from her during that time.
Why is it that we pull away from the people we love and things we love to do when we are struggling? I'm not really sure, because that is exactly what we need the most. One of most important things I did this week was to get back into my Studio every day and do something creative every day. I know this helps me immensely! Another thing that is helping me is using my new planner, I know that is silly, but for me, having a visual planner is a joy. I have been trying to go all digital on the planner front, but I have just missed having a paper one so I'm very grateful to have it. Also, I have been extremely focused on using my Fitbit and all its applications. My husband always talks about using the right tools for the right job and that's just what these things are for me, the right tools for my "job."
I have only a few things left on my "catch up on" list, they are mostly cleaning items, so I am feeling much better about that. I guess what I learned most through evaluating my life right now was to be patient with myself, that there was a reason things were falling by the wayside. I just had to move through the process and that it was okay for me to drop a few balls. I have picked them back up and will slowly get them back up in the air. Hopefully, the next time I let the balls drop I will ask myself why first and not be so hard on myself as I know in time I will pick them back up.