I can't quite figure out what is going on with me right now. I keep asking myself, is it because the sky's have been grey all winter, is it because my son is coming home from his 2 year church mission in Brazil soon, maybe I need a medication adjustment? So much has been going on around here for awhile and maybe it is just that. All I know is that I am not okay and it is high time that I do something about it! I started back to therapy and being able to unload about the last few months was a huge help. Then realizing that I haven't been doing any of my Breathe strategies (I know, broken record here) again which leads me to this amazing quote from Michael Yapko in his book "Hand Me Down Blues":
"Realize that much more is required of you to manage despression well, . . . specifically learning and applying key antidepressant concepts and skills."
I absolutely love the phrase "antidepressant concepts and skills" and as I reread that I realize that they are skills and I haven't been practice the concepts that I have learned, they haven't become skills yet for me because I haven't been using them. Another great quote by this same author in his book "Breaking the patterns of depression" he says:
"Depression is often associated with errors in judgment about control issues. The errors will usually take one of two forms; not controlling things that could be controlled, or trying to control things that cannot be controlled. . . . Mastering what is and is not in your control will help manage your depression well."
This is definitely something I have had problems with in the past, being able to control things makes everything feel safer, but it is the trying to control what cannot be controlled that creates the craziness in my life. My therapist is always trying to get me to flow more. Flow with how the day leads me, it is when I am forcing things that I start feeling the anxiety. Flowing with the day is controlling me, not the craziness around me, which I cannot control anyway. Michael Yaptko goes on to say:
"Depression is not about bad events in the past, it's about how you interpreted those events and the skills you didn't have at the time for dealing with them. Make changes now and learn skills now so that things will be better from now on. . . . Don't ignore your own needs. Depression often comes about from letting your inner world become imbalanced, because you invest more and more heavilty in others or in external situations."
I have definitely let my inner world become imbalanced! Instead of asking how can I control this situation, I need to be asking myself what is it that I need right now. That is the real question after all isn't it? What anti depression skill do I need to be using right now to get through this moment, not what do I think I need to control right now. What do I need right now to help me feel better, not what is wrong with me. The right question is what do I need, definitely not what is wrong with me!