Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Couch Was My Crutch

I have this amazing scrapbook room where I do my crafts and hold workshops.  It was one of the main reasons why I wanted to move to our new house.  I love being in there because I find myself energized as I create and teach.  My only problem, over the last 3 years that we have lived here I have had a hard time getting myself to go in there.  I couldn't figure out what was holding me back. 
At the beginning, I thought maybe it was guilt for wanting this room and this house.  I felt so bad because as it turned out the house was a mess.  There was unbelievable damage in the house that was hidden behind the previous owners belongings.  I felt guilty for wanting a house that ended up costing us thousands of dollars to repair.  I thought it was the guilt holding me back from going in to this room and enjoying this space, so I kept trying different things to work through it, but none of it seemed to help.
A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my therapist about another issue which is anxiety when I go on trips.  I had been thinking that it was the leaving home that was causing it, but as we talked I realized it wasn't the leaving, it was being anxious about what I was going to, unsure of how things would go when I was there.  Later as I was thinking about our discussion, it occurred to me that maybe I had been looking at the problem with my scrapbook room all wrong too.  I realized that going into the room wasn't the problem, it was the leaving of my comfort zone of the couch that was holding me back.  My spot on the couch had become my crutch.
That thought really struck me, I was holding myself back because I was having a hard time leaving my comfort zone.  Before we had moved and I was at my worst with the anxiety, depression, etc. my side of the bed had become my world.  It was where I felt most comfortable and safe.  When we moved I decided to quit making my world just be my side of the bed.  I hadn't realized that I had moved that position to my spot on the couch.  I had expanded my world, but only to the couch.
It was time to expand my world again.  Some friends told me about how they download audio books from the library and listen to them while they clean the house and work so I decided to try it.  I got an audio book and left the couch and went into my scrapbook room and stayed there for hours and I loved every minute of it.  Maybe there is some truth to the guilt, but I realize now my biggest problem was letting go of my crutch.  I have been thoroughly enjoying my room since then!  Hmmm, I wonder what other crutches I'm holding on to? 

2 comments:

  1. I'm amazed at how relevant your insights are to my life! I have been having that same relationship with my couch! I LOVE to be outside and run, but lately it's become so hard to get out and do it...even though it's beautiful outside. And just a few weeks ago, when I was preparing for that trip to Hawaii, I was so tense about going. I thought it was because I was worried about leaving Craig and the kids, but I think it was really just heading into 10 days of the unknown. I decided to just close my eyes and JUMP! And I had a great time. But now...here I am back with my couch dilemma. I'll have to find an audiobook to take running with me. :)

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  2. Melanie here! I absolutely loved this piece, please email me--I have a question about your blog :) MelanieLBowen[at]gmail[dot]com

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