This morning as I write I have had to realize that I have been on a slow decline for the last several months. My doctor warned me that it could happen and to watch for it, but I really hadn't been watching for it. It was a conversation I had with my husband last night that made me realize it. Now as I look back over the last several months with my eyes open I can see the slow slide back into depression. My motivation to do things, even things I enjoy, has slipped away. I am exceptionally tired and drained. The desire to take care of myself has dramatically dropped and so on. It was hard for me to admit my depression in the beginning and it is hard to admit the slide back into it. But I read this quote this morning from Dr. Laura in her book "In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms" which has given me a clear perspective:
The bad is real and has to be dealt with, accepted, improved and/or endured. . . . The good must be emphasized and embraced with every breath you take or you might be overrun by the lousy feelings from the bad. . . . The best way to handle life is not to agitate over what might be, but to enjoy what is and endeavor to be flexible and creative enough to take on life as it unpredictably rolls along.
It expresses exactly how I feel this morning, the bad is real, the depression is real, but it doesn't have to take over everything. My husband helped me come up with a plan to move forward and to do the things that I like to do despite how the depression tries to pull me down. I was telling one of my sister's not too long ago that I have a team of people helping me. They aren't all helping me all at the same time, but I know they are there when I need them. I have my therapist, my doctor, friends, family and more.
It is my support system that I embrace at this time with every breath I take. It is the knowledge that I didn't fall as far this time in the depression before I could see it. I feel like I was more open to the possibility of what was happening this time and, therefore, more able to be focus on what to do and how to embrace the good in the experience. The depression isn't fun or enjoyable in any way, but knowing I have people who love me and support me makes every breath I take so very good!