Saturday, August 6, 2011

It's Okay to Break

"I just want to be broken for awhile," I said to my husband the other night.  That might seem weird to say, but I was crying and feeling broken and it actually felt freeing.  All my life I have felt like I had to have everything pulled together.  I felt like I had to be strong for my siblings as my mom struggled with some challenges in her life and I continued those feelings into adulthood.  I remember saying to my therapist one day that I didn't understand how my mom could have the "freedom" to fall apart in front of us.  I was almost jealous, because I would not allow myself to do that and especially not in front of others.

I have been working on what I call my "therapy boxes" (I initially brought up my boxes in my blog entry "Plugged Up Emotions") for several years, it is an emotionally painful work and I have only worked on a portion of them.  The day after my tearful conversation with my husband, I thought about my therapy boxes and I had a huge realization.  In the first part of my boxes I have processed my experiences in my childhood.  In the second part I had wanted to put how I had perpetuated those experiences into adulthood which I am still working on.  Each of my boxes has a category, for example, one is labeled "broken," as I thought about that box in particular, I realized that I carried that problem on from my childhood by not ever let myself feel and experience "brokenness."

As I wrote in my blog entry "Joy is in the Bouncing" I have learned that balance is not standing stagnant in the middle of a teeter-totter, but it is in the going back and forth between two opposing things.  So in order for me to really be "fixed" I needed to let myself be "broken" for a little while.  I have been pretending to be fixed and forcing myself to be pulled together as long as I can remember.  It's almost as if I have an invisible rope that I'm pulling tighter and tighter around my body as the brokenness inside tries to escape.  I see now how physically exhausting holding that rope has been.

I remember going on a field trip to the BYU Eyring Science Center where we were shown a huge pendulum that swung back and forth across the room.  Just like the bouncing of the teeter-totter, the pendulum swinging back and forth represents balance.  Maybe it will take a little longer for my pendulum to swing back from "broken" to "fixed" than I would like, but I believe that the more I allow the pendulum to swing the sooner it will swing back and maybe it won't swing quite so far to the opposite side next time.

I have had this quote in my reading notes for awhile, "When what is inside naturally comes together with what is outside, that is a miracle."  It is from the book Addiction to Perfection by Marion Woodman and I have always liked it, but never felt like it pertained to me.  Today I feel like it does, I feel like as I allow myself to feel what is naturally inside of me that I am coming together with what I have always tried to show on the outside and that truly does feel like a miracle!

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