I have been working on what I call my "therapy boxes" (I initially brought up my boxes in my blog entry "Plugged Up Emotions") for several years, it is an emotionally painful work and I have only worked on a portion of them. The day after my tearful conversation with my husband, I thought about my therapy boxes and I had a huge realization. In the first part of my boxes I have processed my experiences in my childhood. In the second part I had wanted to put how I had perpetuated those experiences into adulthood which I am still working on. Each of my boxes has a category, for example, one is labeled "broken," as I thought about that box in particular, I realized that I carried that problem on from my childhood by not ever let myself feel and experience "brokenness."
As I wrote in my blog entry "Joy is in the Bouncing" I have learned that balance is not standing stagnant in the middle of a teeter-totter, but it is in the going back and forth between two opposing things. So in order for me to really be "fixed" I needed to let myself be "broken" for a little while. I have been pretending to be fixed and forcing myself to be pulled together as long as I can remember. It's almost as if I have an invisible rope that I'm pulling tighter and tighter around my body as the brokenness inside tries to escape. I see now how physically exhausting holding that rope has been.
I remember going on a field trip to the BYU Eyring Science Center where we were shown a huge pendulum that swung back and forth across the room. Just like the bouncing of the teeter-totter, the pendulum swinging back and forth represents balance. Maybe it will take a little longer for my pendulum to swing back from "broken" to "fixed" than I would like, but I believe that the more I allow the pendulum to swing the sooner it will swing back and maybe it won't swing quite so far to the opposite side next time.
I have had this quote in my reading notes for awhile, "When what is inside naturally comes together with what is outside, that is a miracle." It is from the book Addiction to Perfection by Marion Woodman and I have always liked it, but never felt like it pertained to me. Today I feel like it does, I feel like as I allow myself to feel what is naturally inside of me that I am coming together with what I have always tried to show on the outside and that truly does feel like a miracle!