Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Breathe Strategy - R is for Release
This strategy has probably been the hardest one for me to do, which is to let go! Releasing past hurts and feelings were especially hard for me because I had them all closed up inside of me. I didn't allow myself to feel things, especially hurtful things. I kept shoving down my feelings and they were building up inside me. The first time that I really "felt" things was after a few months of therapy. My therapist was trying to get me to feel and breathe through my emotions. I really didn't know how to do it, so one day I sat down at my computer and tried to "feel" and I was stumped, I didn't know what to do. I picked up the book Co-Dependent No More and looked through it thinking there had to be something in here telling me how to feel my feelings. Finally I just started typing about things from my childhood that logically I should feel upset about. I started with "I guess I feel . . ." about a few of my experiences and just kept going. Then with one particular experience suddenly I found myself crying as I typed. The more I typed the harder I cried. With tears falling onto my keyboard I continued to type how I was feeling. This was the first time I had ever cried about this most particular and painful time in my life. After over 30 years I finally felt the pain and saddness of this moment. I cried so hard even the dog came to see what was wrong. I cried, typed and released that pain for a long time. I was exhausted when I was done and so surprised at what I had been holding inside for so long. To be honest, I didn't even know all that emotion was inside. I have tried many times to open up that document that I typed that day with all these long-time held in feelings, but it will not open. I suppose that is for the best, it really isn't necessary that I re-read all that came out that day. What is important is that I released all of those emotions from inside my body. So for this week, I'm going to refocus on letting go and releasing anything that I am holding inside, it is so much easier to breathe when I do.